Why our fear of control keeps us from the very love we’re seeking.
The fear of being controlled and the fear of losing control fuels a futile attempt to stay in control. But at its core, this drive is not about strength or certainty. It’s about fear. Fear, disguised as ego.
The need for control is an addiction. Not one we often name, but one most of us carry. In fact, it may be the most widespread form of suffering a kind of “sin,” which I define as Self-Inflicted Nonsense, or fear as False Evidence Appearing Real. This addiction to control is the greatest obstacle between us and a life of love, joy, and peace.
Control is what blocks surrender and yet paradoxically, surrender is the only path to what we most deeply seek: love.
This is the ultimate wake-up call realizing that love is not something to chase or earn. It’s not outside of us. Grace comes when we remember we were never lost to begin with. Surrender, acceptance, and forgiveness are not separate acts but one experience. Through them, grace enters.
But we don’t know we are love, so we start searching for it outside ourselves. In that search, we fall into false beliefs: that someone or something is trying to control us, or that we must control others or the world around us. It’s all an illusion.
This fear of being controlled, or losing control, often begins in childhood. It’s the root of ego’s defenses. It causes us to forget our true nature. We become disconnected from our essence, which is love. So, we build a false self, a mask to help us survive, fit in, or feel safe.
Unconsciously, we grieve the loss of our true self. This hidden grief often becomes the source of addiction. It’s a deep ache for what we already are but no longer recognized. We cycle through the stages of grief, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, but rarely reach the final stage: acceptance.
And acceptance is where healing begins.
When we know we are love, we stop seeking it. We surrender to what is. We remember that our true nature is whole, free, and deeply connected.
And in that surrender, we come home.