I am such a love advocate that when relationships don’t survive I grieve for the loss of love and connection. To me love is what gives life meaning. I continue to carry the love of all relationships that did not continue in my heart.
As an INFP personality type, known as the Mediator, with Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Prospecting traits, I tend to be quiet, open-minded, and imaginative, approaching everything with care and creativity.
This personality inclines me to believe that all conflicts are resolvable. At times, this can be exhausting, as relationships often present an invitation to enter a power struggle, something I simply won’t do. When I notice this happening, I first attempt mediation. If that does not work, letting go becomes the only option.
I have experienced this in work relationships, family relationships, friendships, and intimate partnerships. It is, of course, sad when walking away feels like the only choice. Yet these experiences inspired this article. My aim is to connect the dots: to help myself, and others, understand the crazy-making dynamics of power struggles, and to outline a clear pathway toward healthier relationships. Any solution, however, requires both people to be willing and healthy enough to put it into practice.
“Power With” A New Lens on Relationships
Author and teacher Katie Hendrix captures this truth with clarity:
“What I’m passionate about is power with. That we see and experience each other as equals. What this necessitates is people taking responsibility and speaking about what is true for them. We are so used to the scarcity that somebody must win, and somebody must lose, and it’s structured with power over based on the scarcity that there is only so much power.”
Her words invite us to reflect: What does it mean to be in right relationship with power, especially in the relationships that matter most?
For many of us, the old story of power is one of hierarchy and domination. We’ve been taught that only one person can hold it, that to gain influence we must take it from someone else. But there is another way. True power is not limited; it multiplies when shared.
Power Over: Control That Breaks Connection
In personal relationships, “power over” often slips in unnoticed:
- One partner insists on having the last word.
- A friend uses guilt or silence to steer decisions.
- A family member disregards the needs of others to assert their will.
This kind of power is rooted in scarcity. It whispers that there isn’t enough love, safety, or space for everyone so someone must dominate. While it may create temporary control, it erodes trust, weakens bonds, and leaves at least one voice unheard.
Power With: The Ground of True Partnership
“Power with” shifts everything.
- Both people matter equally.
- Responsibility is shared, for our own truth and for honoring the truth of the other.
- Disagreement becomes an opportunity for understanding rather than conflict.
By co-creating solutions, listening deeply, and respecting differences, two people transform competition into connection. The relationship grows stronger, not weaker.
Power Struggles: The Hidden Battle Beneath Love
Harville Hendrix, in his groundbreaking work on relationships, notes that many power struggles aren’t about the surface issue, they’re fueled by unmet childhood needs.
Imagine:
A woman raises her voice to be heard, but underneath her frustration is a longing for attention and safety she didn’t always receive as a child. Her partner retreats, echoing old patterns of conflict avoidance.
What looks like a fight about “who’s right” is two unresolved wounds colliding.
Healing begins when both partners pause, listen with empathy, and speak vulnerably about their true needs. Conflict transforms from a struggle for dominance into a path toward deeper intimacy.
Empowerment: Power That Arises from Within
From the ground of shared respect, empowerment blooms:
- The inner authority to live aligned with your truth.
- The freedom to set boundaries, to say yes or no, and step fully into your own voice.
- Thriving in relationships where “power with” is practiced.
Empowerment isn’t isolation, it grows in connection. When we are respected, we gain courage and authenticity, and we can help those we love to do the same.
Reflection for Your Relationships
Ask yourself:
- Where do I unconsciously use “power over”?
- Where do I allow someone else’s “power over” to silence me?
- How can I invite more “power with” into my relationships?
- What does empowerment look like for me and for those I love?
The Invitation
Every relationship offers a choice: to control, to collaborate, or to empower.
Choosing “power with” transforms not only the relationship but also the way we live within ourselves. True intimacy is not about winning or losing it’s about walking together in love, equality, and trust.
“Power is not scarce. It is abundant, expansive, and multiplied when shared.”