I have been going through some intense challenges and changes for over a year. Some of the challenges are over and I have accepted some of the changes. However I have been experiencing extreme stress for a long time. I willingly allow myself to feel all my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing that the depth of my sorrow becomes the height of my joy.
My so-called low feelings such as sadness can feel dark, heavy, and dense. But I do not resist these feelings, I allow them. Sometimes when one is going through multiple and ongoing difficult times, it seems they will never end.
Recently on a fairly warm and sunny day I went for a stroll around my property. I did not have a particular destination or agenda. I was in a place of allowing. A moment arose where I came to a natural pause. I just stood there, I really had no thoughts, I was just experiencing the moment, I was just being.
In this moment I was filled with light, everything became light, I did not know where light began or ended, the light and I were one. Time stood still. I was in a state of pure awareness. All was peace, all was light. For a moment it felt unbearable. There was nothing for me to hold onto. I was in a state of complete surrender. Because I have been practicing allowing for a long time, even though the experience felt unbearable I was able to continue to allow it, to let it be. Tears began to stream down my face as the light penetrated every cell of my being. What now comes to mind is the book entitled, “Embraced by the Light”. A true story of a woman’s near death experience. But I was not near death, I was the nearest to life that one can be. I was being embraced by the light. I was being cleansed, healed, unburdened, set free, and loved. The light seemed to have a presence of unconditional love. In the light I felt a presence that was loving me, embracing me, cradling me as a mother cradles her baby. I could not feel the ground beneath my feet. I felt no weight at all. I felt no boundaries. I felt a cleansing through and through. It felt as if day was breaking in my soul and the light was so bright it exploded from inside out. I am struggling now to find words for the experience, I think the best I can do is, Amazing Grace. I was so awake, the light was so powerful. I felt that if I tried to see the light with my human eyes I would be blinded, I could only experience it. In a way my human sight was not involved at all.
There was a moment where the light was so bright with such a high energy I felt that I would merge with it and not return to my normal state of being. I think somewhere within me I knew I was being given the choice. It was as if I was having a telepathic conversation with the light, I was being asked to decide if my highest desire was to merge with the light or return and share the light with others. If I decided to merge with the light I may or may not remember my personal self upon returning to my normal state. The moment I made my choice I experienced a gentle release from the love and light that had me in its embrace.
I have no idea what the time frame of this experience was. Maybe it was only minutes but it also felt like many lifetimes. What I learned about myself, life and the reason we are here is more than I can share in a post. I will be spending some time trying to translate this conversation before I forget what I was shown.
I know now that we choose to come here, we choose to be here and we choose when we leave…..then we choose again….. and again….and again, until……
The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?”
~ Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being